Pirate at a bar

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar.
The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.
The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.
He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch.
How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye
" The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

Heaven can wait

A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?”
God answered: “A million years is like a minute.”
Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?”
And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.”
Finally, the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?”
And God said, "In a minute.”

Jail Mail

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden.
When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden.
That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Jesus is watching you

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house.
He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!"
He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything.
So he starts creeping across the lawn again.
"Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again.
So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house.
He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did."
So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence."
The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "